Old Dogs, New tricks

Why are you moving to London? Why did you move here? Isn't London cold rainy and expensive? Isn't California warm and full of movie stars? These are questions that I have been asked over the past two years or so since I decided to come here.
Other questions were asked. Questions from friends who have known and loved me long enough to not worry about offending me or hurting my feelings. What are you running away from? Are you trying to become someone who you aren't? Yes I am trying to become someone different. Not someone who I'm not, but someone who I always knew I was.
I am sometimes a weak and frightened man. Lets get that straight from the get go. I am a creature of habit but also incredibly impetious. A million times in my life I have tried, failed, quit and screwed up. Plans, jobs, ideas, anything that I tried to do to become the person that I knew was on the inside failed because of my own lack of real courage. I am changing that and taking charge.
I think that there is someone inside all of us who we really want to become. We let too many things get in the way of that. Too many obsticles, crutches and comfort zones. I had bored my loved ones at home with my "big plans and ideas". They all knew who they thought the real Pat was. Anytime I wanted to make a real change in my life, I allowed artificial boundries to wall me in. I had assumed that people knew the old Pat, with all of his history and bad habits and would not allow the new or the real Pat to evolve. I guess I needed a blank canvas.
This is not an indictment on my dearest of friends and family. Just the opposite. This is more of a revelation of my weaknesses and downfalls. Be that as it may, I had to reach deep inside and find the real me. The person who I knew I was and the person that I was not allowing myself to be in the states. I am trying that here. I am focusing on things that I have always wanted to. It sounds selfish, contrived and small minded perhaps but for once in my life I am trying to create the person who I want to be. It is odd to say "create the person who i want to be". This isn't easy and everything comes with a price. I only hope that it is worth it.
I don't know what is at the end of this adventure. I know that it is not failure again however. In the three months that I have been here so much has happened. There is no turning back. I am going to become the Pat who I always knew I was. I just hope I like like him.
If I can offer some unsolicited advice, that would be to take chances, do something crazy.
This blog has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Thank you for putting up with it.